NEW BLOG ADDRESS

Hi Friendlies & Pretties.......

Come follow me here on my new page. I've been working hard and creating some organization for my blogging life. Read, enjoy, pin, comment, and love it. I hope you do.


XOXO

Redirecting Energy

THIS is the very reason I'm working hard. I'm not happy with my current figure (although my cute munchkin is worth every extra ounce of fat!) and complaining about it will not solve the problem.

I haven't lost any weight yet but I'm going to kick it's ass! I'm doing all the right things and I'm just waiting for my body to get the memo. I took out all the clothes in my closet that aren't fitting (can't have any sausage-linkage or muffin top now, can we?) and I cried like I was having a funeral for my closet. It was quite pathetic. In my defense, there were 3 shirts (+ 2 nursing tanks) and 1 pair of jeans left. Ew. My lover witnessed this horriffic meltdown and he took me to get some clothes today. With a few great options and variety, it's amazing how much better I feel (and look)! Btw- Maurices Taylor-Boot Cut are the best jeans ever made for new mommies ($29!-can't beat that!).


Also, I'm back on Twitter! So follow me and I'll follow back. :)

XOXO

Sleepy Baby

I break the rules. Ryker breaks the rules. Rules are made to be broken anyways, right? I know the SIDS lecture. However, this makes my baby happy. He LOVES his tummy. I love that he's 6 weeks old, almost sleeps through the night (5 hours) and I lay him in his crib and he goes right to sleep. He doesn't cry much unless he needs his belly topped off. I just love him. And he smiles now- which melts my heart.

Baby Pounds

Seriously. I've been busting my ASS for the past 4 weeks and I haven't lost a single pound. I have worked out 6 days a week (even while out of town!) and eating clean without a single pound change. WTF. People have said "well it's only been six weeks since you gave birth..." So what. I've been busting my ass for four weeks.  It's frustrating to be stuck. My thyroid did test out normal.

- I drink a gallon and a half of water every day.
- I eat really high protein and clean. Nothing processed. No fast food. No frozen-premade crap.
- I take amazing vitamins every day.
- I work out- even with weights, circuit training, and cardio 6 days a week.

Just stuck. Hmmm. Suggestions, anyone??
I'm trying to lose the weight without Bio Life Slim this time. But I just might cave and buy liquid gold to jump start these stubborn pounds. I lost 80lbs three yeas ago using Bio Life Slim. I did get the go-ahead from my dr that it's safe to use while breastfeeding. However, I don't need to lose 80lbs this time. Just 30lbs and I'd be happy.

Those were the days....

.....of peeing alone
....showering whenever I wanted
....date nights
....being skinny
...."cuddling" didn't mean holding pinkies because of a baby taking up space in between us
....dinners out with friends
.....sleeping in meant 2pm on a weekend instead of 2am daily
....family was excited to see YOU, not just the baby
....laundry once a week instead of daily
....a warm, hot, fresh meal
.....lots of sexy time...lots.
.....pretty hair, fresh makeup, newly painted nails

Those were the days when life was simple.
And THESE are the days of happiness, zomie-status, full of love and sleep deprivation.

Fast forward to 3 weeks

Week One: I was nervous to be discharged from the hospital. There is currently a huge fire just a few miles from my home. Families are even evacuating... Little stressful but our neighborhood is okay for now. So far Ryker has slept great--well every 2 hours; just like a newborn. My boobs are so huge. I thought about posting a picture but I won't. I sure love my huge perky ouchie boobs!

Week Two: Ryker hates me. He was curcumsized (I was in the room)..... He did so good. He didn't cry during the worst part of it. But he sure screamed as loud as he could once the doctor started talking to him. He has been screaming almost non-stop. He's pissed, in pain, and he spits up or spits out his medicine. I guess he's being "man" about this whole business. And hello gassy baby! He likes to be awake from 12am-4:40am. I'm a tired mama! He cries and squirms with those gas bubbles. Gas drops seem to help a little. Poor little baby. I also wonder how those super moms do everything. How the hell do you take care of baby/family all day, nap, cook, clean, workout, laundry, shower, pee, cook dinner, stay up all night, and then repeat? Somedays I feel like I'm failing. Jason has been doing laundry and dinner lately but I know it can't be that way forever. I think he does it mostly because he feels bad that I'm up all night with baby. ... It gets better, right?

Week Three: Ryker's shit barrel fires like a machine gun. Just when you think he's done, you can hurry and change him and just before securing the new diaper he reloads and shoots some more all over his blankets, my bed, and my clothes. Just today I've been peed on and shit on, my boobs leaked bad all over my bed, and spit up in my hair! Oh and don't forget about my furry beast legs!   Jason came home for a quick meal before finishing his work day. Ryker was still sleeping. I made a run for it! I showered. A long hot one! I even shaved, deep conditioned my hair, stood in hot water. It was amazing. Got out....baby still sleeping... I cleaned the kitchen, started the dishwasher, and 2 loads of laundry and made dinner! I don't feel like such a loser now. Oh and right as Jason came home, Ryker woke up and we had a blow out! He blew through his clothes, blanket, my 2 pillowcases, and my pillow. Yuck. I'm getting new pillows tomorrow. Yep--this is the life.... Lol I am sure I earned that mommy badge today! Gone are those days when I could shower at any moment....But this precious baby is so worth it.

The Rest of My Story

The rest of the story...... about giving birth- I tore just a tiny bit. Only a couple stitches. And it was on my scar from my episiotomy before. Straight line tiny tear-all on the inside nothing on the outside. Yessssss!!! We also did encapsulate my placenta. Yep, that's right. Gross, right? Well- holy milk supply and I feel energized and rested instead of walking zombie status. I don't taste it or anything- it's a pill. I would so do it again. It was worth the $200. And bleeding is pretty much gone, already. Worth it-- I tell you! And the lady who did it for me, made the umbilical cord into a heart for a keepsake. Really cool!

It was amazing to have control over my body, no IV (well, not longer than 10 minutes), to be up and about including a shower right after, and discharged the very next morning. I would do it again. 2 days postpartum- Jason, Ryker, and I were out of the house celebrating with lunch, errands, and picking up those random little things we needed. And a little side-sleeper bed ($30) because Ryker refused to sleep in the $150 bassinet. We have a house FULL of sleepers! It's awesome. Go ahead- hate me. And less than a week later, I was able to get my single-digit jeans on! YEAH!!!!!!!! So happy about that! 

My amazing doula, Carrie Valadez & I. 

1 Week exactly today, I gave birth and became a mommy again. I love my life. I love my family.

And I'm living the baby-moon still. 

I didn't know my heart could hold SO much love.

Fastest Birth Story Ever, no really!

The night before I told my sister I was feeling like Ryker was taking permanent residence in my comfy uterus and he seemed to be taking his time to vacate the premises. Jason says it's because Jaden probably scared him by shaking my tummy and yelling "shake your booty!". lol

It was June 22, 2012 at 6:46am time stood still just after hitting the ground running two-thousand miles an hour. Daddy said "hey little buddy!" with the most excitement a new daddy could possibly ever have.

This will be a day I will always cherish.

At exactly 5am I woke up from a deep sleep feeling slightly wet although I knew my bladder was quite empty because I peed 10 minutes prior. I made my way to the bathroom and fluid began to trickle and trickle and trickle....I tried to go back to sleep just as I felt something rupture, followed by a strong contraction. I hurried back to the bathroom and then gushed and gushed. I hollered to Jason who was sound asleep "J! My water is breaking! We are having a baby today!" All of a sudden, my contractions were 2 minutes apart and very strong. I made a few phone calls inbetween contractions and we left for the hospital at 5:43am. We arrived at the hospital at 6:13am. Carrie, our fantastic doula beat us there and waited outside with a wheelchair.

I was really. really really scared. Honestly. I didn't feel pain. But I felt a LOT of pressure. Intense pressure. Actually what was most uncomfortable was laying on my back in that effing stoooopid bed. The nurse checked me at 6:31am and I was 5cm. She checked me again at 6:34am and I was 9.5cm. I signed papers for the epidural, the anesthesiologist, my nurse and Carrie told me that I'd be holding my baby before the epidural would work. (did I mention I was scared?) Carrie was amazing. She kept me breathing deep (it helped!) and she did some acupressure which was amazing and I just know she was god-sent to us for this moment. Jason let me squeeze the hell out of his hand. During a contraction, I was possessed by woman-satan. Once the pressure released for a second, I was calm. The pressure intensified very quickly although I didn't feel pain. At 6:41am I was complete! Jami, our photographer arrived! I did say, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" And I was told "Oh yes you are!" even though Dr Young hadn't arrived yet. Carrie & Jason kept reminding me that I could do this. I kept saying how bad I needed to poop (but really, it was baby). My body took over the reigns with all power and strength and as they say, it does know what to do. I saw Jason's face full of excitement "Babe! I can see his head and his hand! You're doing awesome!". 

With only 2 pushes- BAM! Ryker was born at 6:46am. 

Happy Birthday Ryker

In that moment my heart learned to love all over again; so much that my heart was overflowing.

June 22, 2012

6:46AM

Ryker Fox Carter

7lbs 6oz

19 Inches

(1 hour, 46 minutes of labor)

To love you, my little baby Ryker. 

                                                   .....more photos coming soon!!!!! 

Stickies & Smiles

I hate that feeling when your bare feet are attracted to the nasty sticky spots on the kitchen floor. YUCK. And with each awkward step, the stickiness spreads. I can't stand it. Today, I decided to mop the kitchen floor--butt mop style. That is when you sit on the floor and scoot on your butt as you scrub and clean...or the old school way of on your hands/knees and scrubbing. I found myself smiling as I did this. Really, who smiles while they mop?? Jason asked me if I was having fun... noticing my smile. "No. I hate mopping. But seeing all these sticky spots makes me happy because I know my cute boy is happy." I guess I'm doing something right?

This week, Jaden and I have talked about our "happy places", things that make us smile, things that are happy, etc. Positive thoughts/lessons, right? So when I asked him where is happy place was, he responded, "Right here at our house with you and Jason and my brother. My heart is happy here." Awwww what a sweet sweet boy! I just love him. He's also mentioned more than once that we are nicer than his dad. Ouch. I guess if his heart is happy here and my kitchen floor is sticky- we are doing something right. My hope is that he will continue to feel happiness and love in our home and always feel that his place is here-right where he belongs. I sure love this boy of mine.

Let It Be

I have quite the estranged family....or family tree. It's really screwed up. Seriously. Perhaps you've noticed I have mentioned my bonus family or my adopted family. No, I am not adopted legally. I was simply just born into the wrong wacko family. My bonus family has known me since I was 2. I grew up with their amazing daughters who have become my close friends, my sisters. This family has become my 'rock' when I couldn't even function because life was swallowing me whole.

To someone who doesn't know anything about what has repeatedly happened certainly has no place to step in and place judgments or criticism. Sure, some things can be forgiven- however I am not going to keep repeating the same toxic cycle over and over again while hoping for a different result. When a person, even family just drains you emotionally and physically and they suck the life out of you, it's a good sign to take a step back even if they are your "mom". Who cares if she gave birth to me. I know she will never change. I chose to remove myself from so much drama, stress, and contention that my mother single-handily caused and to direct my focus and energy into my own family. My mother tends to play the victim and the saint in most situations. I choose to not have anything (or anyone) take away from my positive focus. I had enough. I reached a breaking point where I just couldn't tolerate her dysfunction anymore. Separating myself and breaking all contact from my parents (and necessary family members) was the best decision for me and I don’t regret it.

As I'm bringing another child into this world, reminds me of the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding on to. Past few days, I have wondered if holding onto these feelings is what's keeping my body from  laboring. The last time I was in a tolerable situation with this woman was when I was in labor at the hospital with Jaden. Perhaps this is why my body stalls once I'm at the hospital? But the other question is, why am I still feeling this way? Am I cheated from what should be a special bonding experience? No, I don't think so and I know I won't always get what I think I want or need most. I think part of me wishes it was different but I have to let it be okay. Sure, sometimes it hurts but I know I made the best decision. I know that by holding onto these feelings, it only hurts me. Dwelling on resentment and bitterness doesn't let it be. It doesn't help me feel good. It's not building myself up in a positive way.

From this moment, I am letting these feelings go. I will focus my energy on positive things in my life for the sake and well-being of my family. I will relax and be emotionally freed from these negative thoughts so that my mind and body can release the tension my subconscious holds. I will have a positive birthing experience and share it with those who matter most. I will be calm and peaceful. I will achieve feelings of freedom to be able to reach deepest relaxation during the most incredible moment of a life time; where earth and a heaven meet. Have you ever held a newborn? It is heaven.

Biting My Tongue

After having a really hard day/week, whatever the case... I snapped and I made my feelings known publicly. I don't understand the people who mock me, make rude and sarcastic comments, and think it's really funny. It's not only one person. It's a few. Where is the logic? It doesn't help my mood or make me laugh. I find it hurtful actually. Oh how I really want to turn super bitch on them. If I did flip the bitch switch- it hurts me. I don't like conflict although it's necessary sometimes. I am reminded of my ex-mom with such bitterness, so I bite my tongue. I don't want to be like her. Sure, we all need a bitch fit at times. What happened to the friend who truly listened? What happened to understanding or relating? Maybe I'm just old-school to think that type should still exist. There aren't many people that I confide things in anymore. There are certain people I vent to about certain things... some understand the kid-vents, love-vents, preggo-vents, tmi-vents, fashion-vents, labor-birth questions or anxieties, etc. I miss having a real best friend. The girl kind. And especially those who don't mock me through their not-so-funny-sarcasm or laugh during my meltdown. I listen to every one's petty stupid drama all the time. Can I have a shoulder once in a while? Is that too much to ask?

Ready. Done. Let's Go!

I love this room. I love the time I have spent in there getting it ready for this little baby. Now, sweet baby-- move out of my womb! Did you hear me? Yes. I said it. Move out! You're being evicted. This baby thinks its really funny to tease me with labor.... I go in... and nothing changes and then I'm back at home. I don't like being teased. I really don't. Unless during sexy time. Tmi? Lol.

Since we are in a rental home, I cannot paint. So I used vinyl decor & wood. 

Want to know how much I spent on this room? 

$100 Bedding with diaper stacker

$7 Monkey Stickers

$6 12x12 Elephant, Monkey, & Giraffe Canvas

$10 Ryker's name 

$50 dresser (not photographed but it's under the canvas)

The rest was gifted or items I already had.

Don't Blink...

Jaden and I enjoyed such a nice day at the park. I walked (I mean, wobbled) about 1/2 mile. Jaden loves this park. When I was too hot, we walked back home. He didn't even get sad when it was time to go. He even carried my water bottle for me! Part of me feels sad that he is not my 'only' for much longer....but at the same time my heart is so full and excited to add another. I've been trying to spend more one-on-one time with him lately. Maybe it's not so much for him but more so for me. I feel like I need this time to prepare to adjust for new surroundings..... After taking/seeing these pictures from the park- it made me remember how quickly time flies. Seems just like yesterday he was learning to run (he skipped that walking phase) and now he just goes and goes.... he's such a fun kid. These photos made me smile....

Last night, Jaden sat in my little lap and was getting such a kick out of watching my belly twitch and bounce with every hiccup that our baby had. Then he kept shouting "Hi Brother! I'm Jaden and I'm 5!!" Too cute. Of course then he was smothering my belly with hugs and kisses.....such love he has already for his little brother. 

Little Victories

I had a melt down while trying to get ready to go to the doctor. I tried every article of clothing on in my closet. NOTHING fits except for my stretchy pants, gym shorts, and tank tops. I cried. A lot. I am so glad that I have made it 2 weeks passed the gestation of when I delivered Jaden.

During my prenatal appointment, as my belly is being measured, Jaden says "Doctor, can my mom please be off bed rest now?" He agreed. Also, my baby is now measuring small. After an ultrasound, it's determined that baby is healthy. He is in the 30% for "average". He's taking after my size and my vagina will thank him for this. I'm relieved that he is healthy, just little. Bed rest no more!! Thanks Jaden.We celebrated by taking a trip to the mall and buying a cute grey/white striped maxi dress for the upcoming baby shower. Then Jason and I had a nice quiet lunch.

My house is getting super duper clean- by my approval. And it feels so good to scrub, vacuum, clean, cook, walk up and down the stairs. Oh how I love this feeling.

Fuzzy Balls!

For quite some time, Jaden was having some major behavioral meltdowns. With every meltdown or wrong decision, I would sit him on timeout and then follow with a consequence which caused tears most of the time and lots of mommy guilt. I hate being the bad cop. I became discouraged and was feeling really sad.  I was sad for whatever the underlying issue is that would cause such negative behavior, sad for Jaden, and the overwhelming feelings of failure came over me. After a chat with a trusted friend, I realized every child will act out their frustration when they don't know how to properly communicate it. It's "normal". Also, I was spending so much time focusing on the negative behavior and overlooking the positive things. After coming to this realization, the fuzzy ball jar began!

It started with an empty jar and each time I have noticed good behavior such as using his manners, cleaning up his toys, being friendly, being helpful.... anything worth rewarding, I put in a fuzzy ball or two. If he has had no time out for that day, he gets a handful. He gets so excited! When the fuzzy balls fill the jar all the way, he gets to pick a fun activity (or reward).


Objective: to encourage positive behavior.


Reward ideas:
* Stay up late
* Computer games
* Go to the zoo
* Buy a new toy
* Go to a movie
* Extra dessert
* Play with friends
* PS3 games 
* Fun crafty/artsy activity
                             etc...etc.. you get the idea.

Since we started this reward system.... Jaden has been much better! He goes on time out once or twice a week! HUGE improvement! There are some weeks he doesn't do any time out. I just wanted to share this with other mommies that may be having some trouble. Don't give up!

Upcoming Showerrrssssss?

Warning, Disclaimer, whatever else you want to call it: this blog is going to be a bitch blog.

My adopted mom & sisters have been planning such an amazing baby shower for us & mostly baby since January. (No, I'm not adopted. I was just born into the wrong family.) Invites went out. And all I am hearing is "Sorry... I can't come because....... <insert lame excuse here.> I am really so sad. I don't care about the gifts. I just want people to come celebrate with us especially with all the work that they have done to make it amazing for us. This baby was not supposed to be possible. I want to share our excitement with people! It's 2 hours, open house style, no games, and incredible food!
I haven't heard a single "See you Saturday" and that makes me really sad.

I have always been the friend to exhaust myself supporting my friends and events in their lives, shooting their lame weddings for free, hosting their parties, doing lots favors for them, attending everything that they invite me to..... and those same friends are loaded with excuses. You know what? I actually told people months ago the date and time. Sad. I think I need new friends.

I hope there aren't any showers at our baby shower..... <sigh>

There's one thing I'm learning.... excuses are like butt holes...everybody has one.

Blogging from the Bubbles

It's true. I'm blogging in my lavender oil infused bubble bath with the jets on. I've been desperate for relief that won't aggravate labor. And finally. I'm relaxing and will probably shrivel up.

I have been 1000% miserable since getting released to go home from the hospital as the sun came up this morning and Jaden came home from his weekend with dad promptly at 9am. Baby Ryker decided he wanted to party last night. We had to go to L&D. (I did get to listen to his gigantic hiccups for several hours. Adorable.) They were able to stop labor by giving me IV of Benadryl and the meds that I'm allergic to. It was the only option. Meds are not being continued at this point because of the severity of my reaction. I'm currently at a "good 3cm" since I was last checked, 70% effaced and baby is slightly lower than -1. And I also lost my mucus plug. Gross. Tmi? Probably.

Reality is setting in. I'm very nervous. Miserable. Im not ready to give birth yet! I want this delivery to be complication free and I want so much to have a well baby. I have myself quite freaked out with everything that could possibly go wrong (and did go wrong with past experience). People keep saying to be positive but I have no more positive left in me. I'm struggling. I cry, a lot actually. I am obeying those super strict bed rest for the sake of the best possible outcome. I can hardly walk as I need help to the bathroom. My legs are so weak and there's enormous pressure on my hips and cervix. And on weekends when I am by myself because Jason works & Jaden is gone-- I crawl. Totally sucks. I wish people who would help lived closer to me, even just for the weekend help or company.

Enough whining for tonight. I am so grateful I am in my home on bed rest and not confined to a hospital room. I am so blessed to have the skilled doctors that I do. I love Jason and everything he does for me and Jaden.

To my silent readers, take some time to yourself. Breathe. Relax. And shrivel up in a wonderful bubble bath.

Xoxo

Full Moon.

And I'm not talking about my full moon. :)

My whole life...well, since owning my camera I have struggled remembering the magic numbers for certain shots. I have tried to get a shot like this for a long time. For various reasons it just didn't work out before. I have tried. Failed. Tried again. Failed again. Frustrated and gave up. Failed.

 I don't want to brag, but I think I nailed it.

5-5-2012 Saratoga Springs, UT

Nikon D90
Manual
f11
1/800 Shutter speed
ISO Lo 1
No flash

Turning 5!

Happy Birthday Jaden!

 5 years ago? Already?

April 30, 2007 4:43pm 6lbs 8oz

I became a mommy because of this sweet boy of mine. He struggled at first by choking himself through the birth canal and then spent a week in the NICU. You'd never know it now. He makes me laugh daily and is so incredibly smart. I cannot imagine where my life would be if it weren't for him.

This giggle and smile is simply contagious. I love him. :)



Locked & Loaded!

As of yesterday, baby is locked and loaded.....I'm close to 3cm (he said more than 2.5cm but just under 3cm) and 70% effaced. Baby has also dropped to -1 station--I didn't realize how low he is until I found this picture. Yikes. If he scoots any lower .....he needs to just wait 5 more weeks!

 Hold on little baby!

It was an eventful appointment complete with an NST. And my rules are super strict now.

-I cannot use stairs. (Jaden's room is downstairs... maybe he can tuck me in bed instead?)
-No cleaning (Bleh! My house is looking like a crime scene!)
-No cooking unless less than 10mins (Who can cook something decent under 10mins?!)
-Minimum car rides (no more days/hours riding along with Jason while he works weekends)
-I cannot drive. (Kindof happy about this one. Utard drivers would put me into labor!)
-No spicy food and nothing with ginger-it can cause uterine irritability.
-If I get myself something to eat, I can stand for less than 10minutes.
-I can sit with my legs up or lay down.  My tailbone HURTS. Ouchies.

Short version- I can stand long enough to walk to the bathroom for a shower or to pee. Otherwise stay down for the next 5 weeks.

Anytime I stand up for any reason, Jaden says "Mommy, you're supposed to be on leg rest with your legs up!" LOL

The Dr did a test called a fetal-fibronectin (sp?). I tested negative which means I'm 90-something % likely to NOT go into labor within the next 2 weeks. Which is reassuring!


Someone asked me why bed rest is so hard. Well you see, I hate watching/vegging in front of the TV and movies. I feel like it wastes hours and time that I could be doing something better. I haven't watched much TV for almost 3 years.

What IS enough?

So much attention has surrounded the new baby on the way. Jaden has had awful naughty moments acting out. It's frustrating. With his 5th birthday around the corner, I want to show him some extra attention and make him feel special on his birthday. 5. Where have these 5 years gone? I remember a specific moment when I got Jaden home from the hospital. I sat rocking him and adoring my new little baby...."They say they grow so fast.... I have forever before he's 5 and going to kindergarten. What do they know?..."....and then I blinked.... Time flies.

Jaden's 5th birthday party is today! He told me all he wanted for his birthday was friends, cupcakes, and a bouncy house. I can manage that! So I thought. While  trying to make a desperate attempt while on bedrest has been really tricky. I set up a facebook event last week. Jason did the party shopping, birthday shopping, and extra little things shopping. I realize late last night, the facebook invites didn't send to anyone for whatever stupid reason, the weather is crappy, cute little invites were not made or delivered ....Fail.

My kitchen is a mess. My house is falling apart and dirty. I can't scrub the bathrooms or floors. Laundry is piling up. I can't really cook meals. My crockpot needs scrubbed because I ran out of liners. There's not a damn thing I can do about it. My "family" lives over an hour away so I can't beg them to come help me. Jason's family...well, don't get me started. I'm also not the type to ask for help either. It's Jason's finals week and also has his huge FAA Commercial Pilot exam. I'm sleep deprived. My tailbone, back, and hips feel so bruised and there's no relief- sitting hurts, laying hurts, walking hurts, heartburn is so bad I throw up if I lay down too soon. Ugh. I've cried almost daily this week. 
My stress and anxiety is sky high. {sigh}

Stinky Feet & Stinky Shoes

I finally asked Jason how it's even possible that he never has stinky feet or shoes. Even when he's sweaty or working out, his feet and shoes never stink. NEVER. After telling me his secret, he told me he's used this on Jaden's shoes too. Magical! I haven't smelled stinky boy feet in quite some time....

Here's his secret:

{Every mother of boys, husband, boyfriend, etc should have this!}

1) sprinkle baking soda in the bottom of stinky shoes & shake, spreading the baking soda

2) In a pray bottle with rubbing alcohol, spray the rubbing alcohol in the bottom of the shoe, soaking it.

*Must be done in said order otherwise the soda clumps up and doesn't spread easily.*

3) Let Dry. Repeat once (or more if the stinky shoes need more attention) and shoes shouldn't have any odor for quite some time. Jason said he does this treatment twice and it's good for about a year or more.

{ahhhhhhhhhhhhh} peace to the nostrils.

Smile.

Normally, I murder flowers. I only have to look at them and they will die. Guaranteed. Normally.

I'm really excited that 3 weeks later......these babies are still alive! And I think they look pretty. :)
They make me smile. I sat on my porch today and watched my baby play with his friends.... and I watched my flowers in the sunshine. I smiled. I need more days like today. Flowers always make me think of my Grandma. I love her. And I planted strawberries a month ago- they're growing. Smile.

That Awkward Moment....

...when you follow up with the "on-call" doctor because your regular doctor is unavailable.....

You prepare for an exam, change from the waist down, and drape the sheet to cover your va-jay-jay and thighs. Then you partially tuck it behind your butt to minimize the slight breeze you feel from the air vent. While you sit there and patiently wait, your butt becomes really sweaty while sticking to the paper on the patient table.

"Do you mind if the doctor has a couple medical students with him?" asks the nice British nurse. "Ummm, ok..." .................in come walking 5 students. Yes. FIVE. "I'm sorry. Actually, I do mind and I'm not comfortable." They leave. Whew! My vag is not a freak show or a peep show for any kind of medical student circus!

The doctor comes into the room and instructs you to move down toward the end of the table. "Ugh he has to be the one to examine me?" He's like OLD-MAN status. Not kidding. You re-adjust your body while taking the sweaty paper with you-which the dr removes....

Exam begins. "Do you know what happened on April 30th 19-FOURTY-something?" "No I sure don't." breathe..... breathe....ouch....breathe.... "Hitler committed suicide." "oh....okay?".... Then doctor went on and on and on about Hitler and also his girlfriend back in the 1940's. His girlfriend from back then was born the same day Hitler killed himself. It was a worthy sacrifice in this doctor's opinion. Yes that's right. This doctor is older 70's and he made sure that I knew that. YIKES. I sat up and made eye contact. He had an eye twitch so it looked like he was winking at me. AWKWARD!!!

I will never see that old ding-bat-on-call doctor ever ever ever again. Not ever.

Looking Back

The hardest decisions are often the best ones to make.

Today I reflected back a few years when I noticed the date. 18th. April 18th, 2010 I left my now ex-husband. It was the hardest decision and also the best decision I had ever made. It was the most important decision I had to make up to that point. Looking back, not a single fiber of my soul regrets that decision.

I appreciate even the little things my love does for me. Being a single mommy, I never got a break. I worked 40+ hours while little man was in daycare. I'd be off work just in time to make dinner and start the bedtime routine and repeat it all over again. In addition, doing all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, lunch packing, grocery shopping, etc-- it was hard. I hated it! On the rare occasion, ex husband decided to actually pick his son up... then I had time for me.

Through the challenges of being a single mommy, I learned to depend on only myself. I learned and developed patience. I learned dating is SO important in discovering the qualities I want in someone to share my life with. My bonus mom would tell me almost daily "I know it's hard right now, but in a year from today, your life will be a thousand times happier than this very moment and you will smile more." And for the record, she was right! I am so blessed to have her encouraging me through some of the hardest times.

With a full schedule, I did somehow manage to squeeze in a date or two. I also tried online dating. That's how Jason and I met. I'll admit it. I met some FREAKS but met some cool people too. I also used my best judgement during messages and conversations. I actually had talked to Jason for 2-3 weeks before I agreed to have lunch with him. :) Now, we have been together a whole year. Wow, I'm really rambling now. My benadryl has got to be kicking in now. lol

I will say it again, the hardest decisions are often the best ones. Let go. Grow. Life your life. Dream big! I promise you, in a year from this very moment, you will smile more and you'll be happier.

7 Months Pregnant & Vegas

This trip to Vegas for a leadership business convention (for Jason's business) was everything memorable, eventful, and uncomfortable.

The night before we left for Vegas, I received my second dose of a steroid shot for little baby's lungs. About two hours later, I noticed my left leg was puffy, red, and really warm. I blew it off as a random pregnancy thing. Friday morning as we were traveling, my left arm was extremely hot and swollen. So weird, right? AH-HA! The steroid shot was given to me also on my left side. I was having a reaction to the steroid shot! Benadryl to the rescue!

We stopped in every other city for potty stops from Saratoga Springs, Utah to Las Vegas, Nevada!

The convention was wonderful. It was focused on leadership and growing your business to fulfill your goals and dreams. Dream BIG. If you had an opportunity to be financially free, have unlimited time with your family, surround yourself with successful people, and make tons of money doing it, would you? The answer is probably yes, right? You know what else? It's moral, ethical, and realistic. So I am believing in Jason and supporting him. You know what's great? He has grown so much as a person and I am proud of him. What is my job? To support him and believe in him.

By Saturday morning, I was still really swollen and contracting. The verdict (Jason, Risa, Ryan & Nicole) voted that I was to be grounded to the room in the uncomfortable bed OR a wheelchair. I picked the wheelchair. I felt so restricted and awkward. I hated that people were staring at me. My rockstar friend Lisa pointed out to me that it was a choice I consciously made. Isn't she right? I love her. It was a great choice because the alternative would be dangerous for many reasons. A very nice lady even gave me a big bag of ice because my feet had outgrown my slippers and even my flip flops. I would cheat and wobble with my sausage toes to the bathroom which was a mere 20ft away from where we were seated with the cool kids. Everytime I turned around, someone would ask me how much longer I have, how far along I am, how miserable I'm feeling, etc. {sigh} I'm trying to think positive people but thank you for asking.

It was really hard for me to let Jason be Superman wheeling me around everywhere. He was a trooper! He was the first to ask if I needed to go the bathroom or eat and made every effort possible to keep me as comfortable as he could. He kept me loaded on ice for my sausage toes and hairless hobbit feet. Being a single mom, I learned to not depend on anyone but myself. Right now, I have to let him help me. It's hard. I'll write more about it another time. He's incredible. He kept me smiling and kept encouraging me. His business partners were even so supportive and encouraging. They were impressed that I even made it!

Ready for some funny moments?

**An older lady was seated next to us started bawling her eyes out for whatever reason... her husband had the nerve to even ask us why she was upset. She was rocking her body and flailing everywhere! Ummm....awkward!

**I stood up to wobble my way to the restroom, and during the most silent moment possible, crazy lady from above shouts "Are you in labor?!! I'm really concerned!" "No mam, just a full bladder."....

**I dumped my 44oz Pepsi everywhere during the closing session! I couldn't move or bend over to reach the mess for obvious reasons. After containing the Pepsi explosion with Jason's help (again), my giant ice bag sprunk a leak... err, I mean a gush and it SOAKED my pants! It looked like I peed myself or better yet, my water gushed. LOL Excuse the pun! :) It gets better..... my inner legs from my crotch to my kankles were dyed black from my wet pants! HAHA! Jason told me it's always a bad idea to wet my pants to warm my bum..... LMAO!

And with all that chaos, we will never repeat this wild adventure in a pregnant state! LOL!

I am really happy to be home and comfortable in my own home--baby is still baking in my oven. :)

Preggo-Time-Out

It started like this...... pressure in the air, stormy weather, and then came the down-pour of rain. I love rain so much. It speaks to my soul....

Then started some serious contractions..... OWWWWW!!!!! I rubbed myself down with some lavender oil. I drank gobs of water. I got off my feet but I couldn't sit still very long.... I couldn't walk it out... or talk through any of the contractions. Hmmm... probably not just braxtin hicks. Eeewww.

9 mins apart.....

Then I felt so much pressure on my cervix and in my back. Yikes.

7 mins apart....

Off to labor & delivery. Being 28 weeks, I needed help to stop these awful contractions. I have never met a L&D staff that was so nice. Every single one of them. They gave me meds to stop them but it didn't help. So they gave me shots of something... and then a steroid shot for baby's lungs. And more contraction medicine..... finally they slowed down. About 2am they sent me home with oral medicine to continue every six hours for the next month or more.

This worries me. I don't want a preemie baby again. I'd much rather a healthy baby that can fit through my little vagina! This time, I'm trusting my gut instinct and getting a hospital bag ready early. Oh and we are going to Vegas for a business convention. And I'm on "restricted duty"....which is pretty much bedrest. The doctor told me I can still go to Vegas as long as I keep walking to a minimum. Good thing we are staying in the same place as the convention! Dr was super nice and printed me a copy of my chart just in case. Then anyone can take care of me in the event that I need care. My doctor is pretty awesome.

In the mean time....keeping my legs crossed.....

"NO!" It's liberating.

NO!

Say it with me. Nooooo. No. No thank you. Not today. Doesn't that feel good?

My whole childhood, I was raised to be a 'people pleaser' because of fear. Fear of what people would think, their hurt feelings, or whatever. Later as a teenager/young adult it because so hard for me to say no. Sometimes saying no caused me so much anxiety and unnecessary worry. I went through a time where I went to therapy to help me deal with some things- aka psycho mother. Therapy was good for me. Don't judge me. I learned how to say no. For a long time, I was afraid to but then I practiced. And now, I have no problem. It feels so liberating to say no.

"That doesn't work for me."

"I will pass this time, thank you for thinking of me/us."

"I have plans already." (Even if my plans are sitting in my pajamas!)

This week, I've been awesome at saying no. I'm finding it's really quite fun.

 Lover's mom asked me if she could be in the delivery room.

"Actually we will call you when I'm in labor but we are asking that no one come to the hospital until after we have spent time with our new baby."

Extended family asked me to take some family/group pictures for them.

"I don't do photos professionally anymore, but I will email you some great referrals."

Someone who I'm pissed at is in town this weekend. I don't care to see her. Plus, I don't want to be 'fake nice'. She wanted to get together.

"I'm busy with my family this weekend and helping J with work. I will be exhausted when I get home and ready for bed. I hope you have an enjoyable weekend. IF I get a free moment, I'll let you know."

A sweet friend & I wanted to get some dessert after my Dr's appointment. I let her know I was still in town. Politely, she said "let's plan on another day. I just don't feel well."

It is okay to say no and to be told no. It's not the end of the world. I wish people were more okay with being told no. Isn't it okay that I don't want to see you if I don't feel up to it? I'm going to challenge you to say no. And don't feel the pressure and worry. Don't let your mind wander with uncertainty. They will survive! Put yourself first. It's liberating. The people who really matter, won't mind. ;)



No Time Sexy Time

I have felt like crap all day. I have been super sluggish, fire heartburn, achy, and cranky. It's a no-bra-wearing-kind of day. My nearly 5 year old son notices my RT through my shirt. (Lovely.) "MOM! Does that hurt!!?" as he's pointing to my boobs and quite obvious RT. Classy. So funny.

Maybe a shower would feel nice before I start dinner and lover leaves for a meeting. Lover gets in the shower so I tell my son (almost 5) I'm going to go get in the shower with him. "Eeeewwww! It's because you want to see his wiener! And he's going to see your va-jay-jay!!" *facepalm* Actually I feel like crap and I will feel better if I wash my hair. I join my lover in the shower and attempt a little impromptu sexy moment and my son starts banging on the door and I can hear him yelling "Weeeeener! Va-Jay-Jay!" as he's jumping on my bed. "Are you guys still naked?" "Why are you ignoring me?"  "Weeeeener! Va-Jay-Jay!" Ughhh. Kids complicate those sexy time moments. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not. I lock my bedroom door with said obnoxious child out of the room.... and continue (or try to)... my son again banging on the door "Why is there music on?" <to drown you out child!> "Are you done yet?" "Are you looking at his wiener?" <you have no idea!!> OMG. UBER annoyed now. I'll go eat some chocolate and take a bath and somehow pull myself up out of the tub. LOVE being a pregnant mom sometimes. Ha ha

 No time for sexy time.

Baby Name Hijacker

From the day that baby-daddy and I started talking about baby names....boy names and girl names, we agreed to keep the baby name a secret until the birth. By doing this, we thought we would skip out on judgements, un-asked-for opinions and suggestions, and baby name hijacking.
It's a boy! Ryker is the name we picked and the only name we had agreed on the day we found out the sex which was the beginning of December. We bought the cute name letters, paint, fabric, and I was going to work on crafty things for our baby (actually the baby's room). I painted and mounted the letters...R-Y-K-E-R. I love it (even if you don't, it's ok). A couple months later, I was texting a friend of mine. She told me she was naming her baby Evan or Parker. (I thought I was safe to tell her our cool name.) I caved and told her we were naming our baby Ryker. Bad idea! Well, she went into labor a couple months early and sent me a picture of her new baby...and our name was hijacked!! I said to her "Funny we have the same name picked for our baby. His name is already hanging on my wall so Im not changing it. Lol Congrats." I was so so sooooo mad. Isn't this in the pregnancy rules? Okay, so I don't 'own' the name but it was clearly stolen! {pout} I was sad because I wanted it to be unique and ours. But I am glad it was cool enough to steal.


 

Distance Makes the Heart Wiser

I have a friend. She moved. I moved. And sometimes life changes. You aren't as close to people as you used to be. You give new friends a chance and you learn that sometimes new friends are pretty bad ass. After removing myself (not on purpose) from situations, I learned that for such a long time, I have been manipulated, played, used, etc by someone who was very close to me. The upmost compassion I showed toward someone and whom I thought was a great friend, well I was the fool it turns out. And through out a circle of events I have learned that our friendship was only a game to her.

"Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt."- Urban Dictionary

After waking up to a dose of reality, this person whom I once called my best friend is quite the opposite. I feel like I'm mourning such a loss. I feel as though my heart has sank a thousand notches this week. So what happened? Well a lot of things. After taking some time to myself and think through situations I have learned that she robbed and took advantage of every ounce of compassion. Few weeks ago, she wanted me (and my pregnant ass) to come visit. I told her I cannot make this trip happen for a few reasons. 1) Because of my first pregnancy, road trips have to be approved by my doctor. 2) There's not a hospital on the way just in case something were to go wrong. 3) 4-5 hour drive would quickly turn into several hours with how many potty stops I'd have to make 4) I refuse to manipulate my lover to driving me 5+ hours and then picking me up the following day... etc etc. I sadly told her I cannot make this trip happen. Life really changes circumstances sometimes but I have to put myself, my health, and my baby as my priority. She was pissed and I received some very hurtful and manipulating messages. I decided taking some time would be a good idea. A week goes by and I received a message "I wish we were the friends we used to be." Is she just now realizing this? I was missing this void 9+months ago! Another week goes by.... another message received on my phone randomly analyzing life (there was no hi, how are you)... and then followed by an order. Yes, this message read "I want you to and you will do so." Excuse me? I'm not anyone's bitch. I'm not in the cast of mean girls and I will not be ordered around. I'm mourning a loss.... mourning a friend... feeling sad and alone... and pregnant. I don't like feeling like an option. I have less patience for bullshit. Little things pile up quicker. But it's taught me that I deserve better. I know I do.

So today, I have realized that when you remove yourself from situations and from certain people, you find out where you stand. Sometimes, it's a very sad reality. Sometimes it's a bitch slap. Overall, it's a reminder of who really matters. If you want to fly, you have to let go of the shit.

Craving Smells....

It's one thing to crave food while preggo. Have you ever craved a smell? So much that you just cannot say no? I did today. While having a targasm, (retail therapy in no-where else but Target) I had to buy a giant bottle of baby lotion. It's the most magical smell in the whole wide world. I don't know what was in the air, but I was craving to smell this. I'm really good about separating my needs and wants most of the time. I had to have it and couldn't resist.  Not just any baby lotion, but it's this one:

This smell just makes me so excited to have this baby! I know, I'm only half way there....but it just builds up my anticipation. There are no awful memories. I just can't wait. :)

But the whole reason I went to Target was to get this:

I use baby oil routinely for my hair extensions. It came the time to take out the glued in hair to replace it with new shiny silky hair... and I use this to get out the extra glue and sticky residue without drying out my hair and ripping out half my scalp. OMG-- I keep craving baby smells. I love it. And this one, I kindof bathed in it. Literally. My skin has been so so dry and I've tried bio oil amoung ridiculous amounts of lotion and this magic baby oil seemed to do the trick. I don't feel like an oily pig. OMG I love baby smells (the good ones!! Not the poop ones. Eeeewww). Go bathe in some Johnson's baby goodness! Do it. You'll love it.

In all that's rudely embarrassing....and true...

Picture this......
Air dried wavy afro-like extensions (I love having extensions), hot pink pullover Billabong hoody which doesn't cover my expanding belly at all, a green t-shirt hanging out the bottom, aqua blue and gray sweats, pink socks and black fuzzy slippers.

Plead: Guilty.

I wore the above confession to a grocery store. I should be on the fashion FINED list. Those who know me, know that I would never go out in public looking like that--not even over my own (or another) dead body! However, a sinus/chest cold has possessed me and my lack of consideration and desire to dress for the human world.

The following morning, I was looking quite ragged and homeless. I spent some time primping and giving myself a slight makeover. Now having purdy straight silky hair and makeup... I attempted to put on a t-shirt real quick before going to the chiro....to my surprise, the t-shirt which I wore for a minute the day before....would not stretch over my overnight-expanding belly!

I wore an extra-long tank top instead. :) Following the chiro, my sweet lover drove me straight to Motherhood Maternity and purchased some cute maternity clothes!  We made a rule. If he didn't love it, I couldn't buy it!

As I was telling my cousin this story, she found it quite hilarious. Her sweet fiance says "She doesn't strike me as the white trash type." To which she responded, "She's not!..." LOL

Why is this a big deal? Well, you see before this pregnancy I was confident in my weight and size... and buying clothes that I won't wear again for 5+ years was not on my priority list. Not only that.... I was still comfortable in my normal clothes. Well, it was time to make the transition at 19 weeks pregnant- woot! (I'm happy I made it nearly half way!). My mother-in-law is so so happy that I'm dressing like an expecting mother. In her words "It's about time!"

Much better. :) No trucker tummy! lol

Hello World!

After some time (or years) of being "busy"... with a life in the fast lane, I decided now that I'm home with my kiddo and baking another in my personal, crafty, handy-dandy uterus, I'm back in the blogging world. I've been saying I would come back for a while, but now I have made it happen. :)

Hello World.