Let It Be

I have quite the estranged family....or family tree. It's really screwed up. Seriously. Perhaps you've noticed I have mentioned my bonus family or my adopted family. No, I am not adopted legally. I was simply just born into the wrong wacko family. My bonus family has known me since I was 2. I grew up with their amazing daughters who have become my close friends, my sisters. This family has become my 'rock' when I couldn't even function because life was swallowing me whole.

To someone who doesn't know anything about what has repeatedly happened certainly has no place to step in and place judgments or criticism. Sure, some things can be forgiven- however I am not going to keep repeating the same toxic cycle over and over again while hoping for a different result. When a person, even family just drains you emotionally and physically and they suck the life out of you, it's a good sign to take a step back even if they are your "mom". Who cares if she gave birth to me. I know she will never change. I chose to remove myself from so much drama, stress, and contention that my mother single-handily caused and to direct my focus and energy into my own family. My mother tends to play the victim and the saint in most situations. I choose to not have anything (or anyone) take away from my positive focus. I had enough. I reached a breaking point where I just couldn't tolerate her dysfunction anymore. Separating myself and breaking all contact from my parents (and necessary family members) was the best decision for me and I don’t regret it.

As I'm bringing another child into this world, reminds me of the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding on to. Past few days, I have wondered if holding onto these feelings is what's keeping my body from  laboring. The last time I was in a tolerable situation with this woman was when I was in labor at the hospital with Jaden. Perhaps this is why my body stalls once I'm at the hospital? But the other question is, why am I still feeling this way? Am I cheated from what should be a special bonding experience? No, I don't think so and I know I won't always get what I think I want or need most. I think part of me wishes it was different but I have to let it be okay. Sure, sometimes it hurts but I know I made the best decision. I know that by holding onto these feelings, it only hurts me. Dwelling on resentment and bitterness doesn't let it be. It doesn't help me feel good. It's not building myself up in a positive way.

From this moment, I am letting these feelings go. I will focus my energy on positive things in my life for the sake and well-being of my family. I will relax and be emotionally freed from these negative thoughts so that my mind and body can release the tension my subconscious holds. I will have a positive birthing experience and share it with those who matter most. I will be calm and peaceful. I will achieve feelings of freedom to be able to reach deepest relaxation during the most incredible moment of a life time; where earth and a heaven meet. Have you ever held a newborn? It is heaven.