Biting My Tongue

After having a really hard day/week, whatever the case... I snapped and I made my feelings known publicly. I don't understand the people who mock me, make rude and sarcastic comments, and think it's really funny. It's not only one person. It's a few. Where is the logic? It doesn't help my mood or make me laugh. I find it hurtful actually. Oh how I really want to turn super bitch on them. If I did flip the bitch switch- it hurts me. I don't like conflict although it's necessary sometimes. I am reminded of my ex-mom with such bitterness, so I bite my tongue. I don't want to be like her. Sure, we all need a bitch fit at times. What happened to the friend who truly listened? What happened to understanding or relating? Maybe I'm just old-school to think that type should still exist. There aren't many people that I confide things in anymore. There are certain people I vent to about certain things... some understand the kid-vents, love-vents, preggo-vents, tmi-vents, fashion-vents, labor-birth questions or anxieties, etc. I miss having a real best friend. The girl kind. And especially those who don't mock me through their not-so-funny-sarcasm or laugh during my meltdown. I listen to every one's petty stupid drama all the time. Can I have a shoulder once in a while? Is that too much to ask?

Ready. Done. Let's Go!

I love this room. I love the time I have spent in there getting it ready for this little baby. Now, sweet baby-- move out of my womb! Did you hear me? Yes. I said it. Move out! You're being evicted. This baby thinks its really funny to tease me with labor.... I go in... and nothing changes and then I'm back at home. I don't like being teased. I really don't. Unless during sexy time. Tmi? Lol.

Since we are in a rental home, I cannot paint. So I used vinyl decor & wood. 

Want to know how much I spent on this room? 

$100 Bedding with diaper stacker

$7 Monkey Stickers

$6 12x12 Elephant, Monkey, & Giraffe Canvas

$10 Ryker's name 

$50 dresser (not photographed but it's under the canvas)

The rest was gifted or items I already had.

Don't Blink...

Jaden and I enjoyed such a nice day at the park. I walked (I mean, wobbled) about 1/2 mile. Jaden loves this park. When I was too hot, we walked back home. He didn't even get sad when it was time to go. He even carried my water bottle for me! Part of me feels sad that he is not my 'only' for much longer....but at the same time my heart is so full and excited to add another. I've been trying to spend more one-on-one time with him lately. Maybe it's not so much for him but more so for me. I feel like I need this time to prepare to adjust for new surroundings..... After taking/seeing these pictures from the park- it made me remember how quickly time flies. Seems just like yesterday he was learning to run (he skipped that walking phase) and now he just goes and goes.... he's such a fun kid. These photos made me smile....

Last night, Jaden sat in my little lap and was getting such a kick out of watching my belly twitch and bounce with every hiccup that our baby had. Then he kept shouting "Hi Brother! I'm Jaden and I'm 5!!" Too cute. Of course then he was smothering my belly with hugs and kisses.....such love he has already for his little brother. 

Little Victories

I had a melt down while trying to get ready to go to the doctor. I tried every article of clothing on in my closet. NOTHING fits except for my stretchy pants, gym shorts, and tank tops. I cried. A lot. I am so glad that I have made it 2 weeks passed the gestation of when I delivered Jaden.

During my prenatal appointment, as my belly is being measured, Jaden says "Doctor, can my mom please be off bed rest now?" He agreed. Also, my baby is now measuring small. After an ultrasound, it's determined that baby is healthy. He is in the 30% for "average". He's taking after my size and my vagina will thank him for this. I'm relieved that he is healthy, just little. Bed rest no more!! Thanks Jaden.We celebrated by taking a trip to the mall and buying a cute grey/white striped maxi dress for the upcoming baby shower. Then Jason and I had a nice quiet lunch.

My house is getting super duper clean- by my approval. And it feels so good to scrub, vacuum, clean, cook, walk up and down the stairs. Oh how I love this feeling.

Fuzzy Balls!

For quite some time, Jaden was having some major behavioral meltdowns. With every meltdown or wrong decision, I would sit him on timeout and then follow with a consequence which caused tears most of the time and lots of mommy guilt. I hate being the bad cop. I became discouraged and was feeling really sad.  I was sad for whatever the underlying issue is that would cause such negative behavior, sad for Jaden, and the overwhelming feelings of failure came over me. After a chat with a trusted friend, I realized every child will act out their frustration when they don't know how to properly communicate it. It's "normal". Also, I was spending so much time focusing on the negative behavior and overlooking the positive things. After coming to this realization, the fuzzy ball jar began!

It started with an empty jar and each time I have noticed good behavior such as using his manners, cleaning up his toys, being friendly, being helpful.... anything worth rewarding, I put in a fuzzy ball or two. If he has had no time out for that day, he gets a handful. He gets so excited! When the fuzzy balls fill the jar all the way, he gets to pick a fun activity (or reward).


Objective: to encourage positive behavior.


Reward ideas:
* Stay up late
* Computer games
* Go to the zoo
* Buy a new toy
* Go to a movie
* Extra dessert
* Play with friends
* PS3 games 
* Fun crafty/artsy activity
                             etc...etc.. you get the idea.

Since we started this reward system.... Jaden has been much better! He goes on time out once or twice a week! HUGE improvement! There are some weeks he doesn't do any time out. I just wanted to share this with other mommies that may be having some trouble. Don't give up!

Upcoming Showerrrssssss?

Warning, Disclaimer, whatever else you want to call it: this blog is going to be a bitch blog.

My adopted mom & sisters have been planning such an amazing baby shower for us & mostly baby since January. (No, I'm not adopted. I was just born into the wrong family.) Invites went out. And all I am hearing is "Sorry... I can't come because....... <insert lame excuse here.> I am really so sad. I don't care about the gifts. I just want people to come celebrate with us especially with all the work that they have done to make it amazing for us. This baby was not supposed to be possible. I want to share our excitement with people! It's 2 hours, open house style, no games, and incredible food!
I haven't heard a single "See you Saturday" and that makes me really sad.

I have always been the friend to exhaust myself supporting my friends and events in their lives, shooting their lame weddings for free, hosting their parties, doing lots favors for them, attending everything that they invite me to..... and those same friends are loaded with excuses. You know what? I actually told people months ago the date and time. Sad. I think I need new friends.

I hope there aren't any showers at our baby shower..... <sigh>

There's one thing I'm learning.... excuses are like butt holes...everybody has one.

Blogging from the Bubbles

It's true. I'm blogging in my lavender oil infused bubble bath with the jets on. I've been desperate for relief that won't aggravate labor. And finally. I'm relaxing and will probably shrivel up.

I have been 1000% miserable since getting released to go home from the hospital as the sun came up this morning and Jaden came home from his weekend with dad promptly at 9am. Baby Ryker decided he wanted to party last night. We had to go to L&D. (I did get to listen to his gigantic hiccups for several hours. Adorable.) They were able to stop labor by giving me IV of Benadryl and the meds that I'm allergic to. It was the only option. Meds are not being continued at this point because of the severity of my reaction. I'm currently at a "good 3cm" since I was last checked, 70% effaced and baby is slightly lower than -1. And I also lost my mucus plug. Gross. Tmi? Probably.

Reality is setting in. I'm very nervous. Miserable. Im not ready to give birth yet! I want this delivery to be complication free and I want so much to have a well baby. I have myself quite freaked out with everything that could possibly go wrong (and did go wrong with past experience). People keep saying to be positive but I have no more positive left in me. I'm struggling. I cry, a lot actually. I am obeying those super strict bed rest for the sake of the best possible outcome. I can hardly walk as I need help to the bathroom. My legs are so weak and there's enormous pressure on my hips and cervix. And on weekends when I am by myself because Jason works & Jaden is gone-- I crawl. Totally sucks. I wish people who would help lived closer to me, even just for the weekend help or company.

Enough whining for tonight. I am so grateful I am in my home on bed rest and not confined to a hospital room. I am so blessed to have the skilled doctors that I do. I love Jason and everything he does for me and Jaden.

To my silent readers, take some time to yourself. Breathe. Relax. And shrivel up in a wonderful bubble bath.

Xoxo

Full Moon.

And I'm not talking about my full moon. :)

My whole life...well, since owning my camera I have struggled remembering the magic numbers for certain shots. I have tried to get a shot like this for a long time. For various reasons it just didn't work out before. I have tried. Failed. Tried again. Failed again. Frustrated and gave up. Failed.

 I don't want to brag, but I think I nailed it.

5-5-2012 Saratoga Springs, UT

Nikon D90
Manual
f11
1/800 Shutter speed
ISO Lo 1
No flash