Baby Pounds

Seriously. I've been busting my ASS for the past 4 weeks and I haven't lost a single pound. I have worked out 6 days a week (even while out of town!) and eating clean without a single pound change. WTF. People have said "well it's only been six weeks since you gave birth..." So what. I've been busting my ass for four weeks.  It's frustrating to be stuck. My thyroid did test out normal.

- I drink a gallon and a half of water every day.
- I eat really high protein and clean. Nothing processed. No fast food. No frozen-premade crap.
- I take amazing vitamins every day.
- I work out- even with weights, circuit training, and cardio 6 days a week.

Just stuck. Hmmm. Suggestions, anyone??
I'm trying to lose the weight without Bio Life Slim this time. But I just might cave and buy liquid gold to jump start these stubborn pounds. I lost 80lbs three yeas ago using Bio Life Slim. I did get the go-ahead from my dr that it's safe to use while breastfeeding. However, I don't need to lose 80lbs this time. Just 30lbs and I'd be happy.

Those were the days....

.....of peeing alone
....showering whenever I wanted
....date nights
....being skinny
...."cuddling" didn't mean holding pinkies because of a baby taking up space in between us
....dinners out with friends
.....sleeping in meant 2pm on a weekend instead of 2am daily
....family was excited to see YOU, not just the baby
....laundry once a week instead of daily
....a warm, hot, fresh meal
.....lots of sexy time...lots.
.....pretty hair, fresh makeup, newly painted nails

Those were the days when life was simple.
And THESE are the days of happiness, zomie-status, full of love and sleep deprivation.

Fast forward to 3 weeks

Week One: I was nervous to be discharged from the hospital. There is currently a huge fire just a few miles from my home. Families are even evacuating... Little stressful but our neighborhood is okay for now. So far Ryker has slept great--well every 2 hours; just like a newborn. My boobs are so huge. I thought about posting a picture but I won't. I sure love my huge perky ouchie boobs!

Week Two: Ryker hates me. He was curcumsized (I was in the room)..... He did so good. He didn't cry during the worst part of it. But he sure screamed as loud as he could once the doctor started talking to him. He has been screaming almost non-stop. He's pissed, in pain, and he spits up or spits out his medicine. I guess he's being "man" about this whole business. And hello gassy baby! He likes to be awake from 12am-4:40am. I'm a tired mama! He cries and squirms with those gas bubbles. Gas drops seem to help a little. Poor little baby. I also wonder how those super moms do everything. How the hell do you take care of baby/family all day, nap, cook, clean, workout, laundry, shower, pee, cook dinner, stay up all night, and then repeat? Somedays I feel like I'm failing. Jason has been doing laundry and dinner lately but I know it can't be that way forever. I think he does it mostly because he feels bad that I'm up all night with baby. ... It gets better, right?

Week Three: Ryker's shit barrel fires like a machine gun. Just when you think he's done, you can hurry and change him and just before securing the new diaper he reloads and shoots some more all over his blankets, my bed, and my clothes. Just today I've been peed on and shit on, my boobs leaked bad all over my bed, and spit up in my hair! Oh and don't forget about my furry beast legs!   Jason came home for a quick meal before finishing his work day. Ryker was still sleeping. I made a run for it! I showered. A long hot one! I even shaved, deep conditioned my hair, stood in hot water. It was amazing. Got out....baby still sleeping... I cleaned the kitchen, started the dishwasher, and 2 loads of laundry and made dinner! I don't feel like such a loser now. Oh and right as Jason came home, Ryker woke up and we had a blow out! He blew through his clothes, blanket, my 2 pillowcases, and my pillow. Yuck. I'm getting new pillows tomorrow. Yep--this is the life.... Lol I am sure I earned that mommy badge today! Gone are those days when I could shower at any moment....But this precious baby is so worth it.

The Rest of My Story

The rest of the story...... about giving birth- I tore just a tiny bit. Only a couple stitches. And it was on my scar from my episiotomy before. Straight line tiny tear-all on the inside nothing on the outside. Yessssss!!! We also did encapsulate my placenta. Yep, that's right. Gross, right? Well- holy milk supply and I feel energized and rested instead of walking zombie status. I don't taste it or anything- it's a pill. I would so do it again. It was worth the $200. And bleeding is pretty much gone, already. Worth it-- I tell you! And the lady who did it for me, made the umbilical cord into a heart for a keepsake. Really cool!

It was amazing to have control over my body, no IV (well, not longer than 10 minutes), to be up and about including a shower right after, and discharged the very next morning. I would do it again. 2 days postpartum- Jason, Ryker, and I were out of the house celebrating with lunch, errands, and picking up those random little things we needed. And a little side-sleeper bed ($30) because Ryker refused to sleep in the $150 bassinet. We have a house FULL of sleepers! It's awesome. Go ahead- hate me. And less than a week later, I was able to get my single-digit jeans on! YEAH!!!!!!!! So happy about that! 

My amazing doula, Carrie Valadez & I. 

1 Week exactly today, I gave birth and became a mommy again. I love my life. I love my family.

And I'm living the baby-moon still. 

I didn't know my heart could hold SO much love.

Fastest Birth Story Ever, no really!

The night before I told my sister I was feeling like Ryker was taking permanent residence in my comfy uterus and he seemed to be taking his time to vacate the premises. Jason says it's because Jaden probably scared him by shaking my tummy and yelling "shake your booty!". lol

It was June 22, 2012 at 6:46am time stood still just after hitting the ground running two-thousand miles an hour. Daddy said "hey little buddy!" with the most excitement a new daddy could possibly ever have.

This will be a day I will always cherish.

At exactly 5am I woke up from a deep sleep feeling slightly wet although I knew my bladder was quite empty because I peed 10 minutes prior. I made my way to the bathroom and fluid began to trickle and trickle and trickle....I tried to go back to sleep just as I felt something rupture, followed by a strong contraction. I hurried back to the bathroom and then gushed and gushed. I hollered to Jason who was sound asleep "J! My water is breaking! We are having a baby today!" All of a sudden, my contractions were 2 minutes apart and very strong. I made a few phone calls inbetween contractions and we left for the hospital at 5:43am. We arrived at the hospital at 6:13am. Carrie, our fantastic doula beat us there and waited outside with a wheelchair.

I was really. really really scared. Honestly. I didn't feel pain. But I felt a LOT of pressure. Intense pressure. Actually what was most uncomfortable was laying on my back in that effing stoooopid bed. The nurse checked me at 6:31am and I was 5cm. She checked me again at 6:34am and I was 9.5cm. I signed papers for the epidural, the anesthesiologist, my nurse and Carrie told me that I'd be holding my baby before the epidural would work. (did I mention I was scared?) Carrie was amazing. She kept me breathing deep (it helped!) and she did some acupressure which was amazing and I just know she was god-sent to us for this moment. Jason let me squeeze the hell out of his hand. During a contraction, I was possessed by woman-satan. Once the pressure released for a second, I was calm. The pressure intensified very quickly although I didn't feel pain. At 6:41am I was complete! Jami, our photographer arrived! I did say, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" And I was told "Oh yes you are!" even though Dr Young hadn't arrived yet. Carrie & Jason kept reminding me that I could do this. I kept saying how bad I needed to poop (but really, it was baby). My body took over the reigns with all power and strength and as they say, it does know what to do. I saw Jason's face full of excitement "Babe! I can see his head and his hand! You're doing awesome!". 

With only 2 pushes- BAM! Ryker was born at 6:46am. 

Happy Birthday Ryker

In that moment my heart learned to love all over again; so much that my heart was overflowing.

June 22, 2012

6:46AM

Ryker Fox Carter

7lbs 6oz

19 Inches

(1 hour, 46 minutes of labor)

To love you, my little baby Ryker. 

                                                   .....more photos coming soon!!!!! 

Stickies & Smiles

I hate that feeling when your bare feet are attracted to the nasty sticky spots on the kitchen floor. YUCK. And with each awkward step, the stickiness spreads. I can't stand it. Today, I decided to mop the kitchen floor--butt mop style. That is when you sit on the floor and scoot on your butt as you scrub and clean...or the old school way of on your hands/knees and scrubbing. I found myself smiling as I did this. Really, who smiles while they mop?? Jason asked me if I was having fun... noticing my smile. "No. I hate mopping. But seeing all these sticky spots makes me happy because I know my cute boy is happy." I guess I'm doing something right?

This week, Jaden and I have talked about our "happy places", things that make us smile, things that are happy, etc. Positive thoughts/lessons, right? So when I asked him where is happy place was, he responded, "Right here at our house with you and Jason and my brother. My heart is happy here." Awwww what a sweet sweet boy! I just love him. He's also mentioned more than once that we are nicer than his dad. Ouch. I guess if his heart is happy here and my kitchen floor is sticky- we are doing something right. My hope is that he will continue to feel happiness and love in our home and always feel that his place is here-right where he belongs. I sure love this boy of mine.

Let It Be

I have quite the estranged family....or family tree. It's really screwed up. Seriously. Perhaps you've noticed I have mentioned my bonus family or my adopted family. No, I am not adopted legally. I was simply just born into the wrong wacko family. My bonus family has known me since I was 2. I grew up with their amazing daughters who have become my close friends, my sisters. This family has become my 'rock' when I couldn't even function because life was swallowing me whole.

To someone who doesn't know anything about what has repeatedly happened certainly has no place to step in and place judgments or criticism. Sure, some things can be forgiven- however I am not going to keep repeating the same toxic cycle over and over again while hoping for a different result. When a person, even family just drains you emotionally and physically and they suck the life out of you, it's a good sign to take a step back even if they are your "mom". Who cares if she gave birth to me. I know she will never change. I chose to remove myself from so much drama, stress, and contention that my mother single-handily caused and to direct my focus and energy into my own family. My mother tends to play the victim and the saint in most situations. I choose to not have anything (or anyone) take away from my positive focus. I had enough. I reached a breaking point where I just couldn't tolerate her dysfunction anymore. Separating myself and breaking all contact from my parents (and necessary family members) was the best decision for me and I don’t regret it.

As I'm bringing another child into this world, reminds me of the resentment and bitterness that I have been holding on to. Past few days, I have wondered if holding onto these feelings is what's keeping my body from  laboring. The last time I was in a tolerable situation with this woman was when I was in labor at the hospital with Jaden. Perhaps this is why my body stalls once I'm at the hospital? But the other question is, why am I still feeling this way? Am I cheated from what should be a special bonding experience? No, I don't think so and I know I won't always get what I think I want or need most. I think part of me wishes it was different but I have to let it be okay. Sure, sometimes it hurts but I know I made the best decision. I know that by holding onto these feelings, it only hurts me. Dwelling on resentment and bitterness doesn't let it be. It doesn't help me feel good. It's not building myself up in a positive way.

From this moment, I am letting these feelings go. I will focus my energy on positive things in my life for the sake and well-being of my family. I will relax and be emotionally freed from these negative thoughts so that my mind and body can release the tension my subconscious holds. I will have a positive birthing experience and share it with those who matter most. I will be calm and peaceful. I will achieve feelings of freedom to be able to reach deepest relaxation during the most incredible moment of a life time; where earth and a heaven meet. Have you ever held a newborn? It is heaven.